hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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