Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
