already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
