just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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