Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
