I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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