whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
