dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
