i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
