Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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