Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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