I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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