you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
