new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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