so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
