My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
