Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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