walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
