I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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