I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
