you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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