The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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