Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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