I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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