I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
