remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
