My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
