A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
