I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
