Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
