Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
