Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize