i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
