Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my being single is dangerous.
Dignity is for republicans.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
how drunk are you?
Several
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
