Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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