I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
