If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
