i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
