the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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