I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
