so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
