Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
