shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
