I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
