Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
