I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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