my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
