Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
