I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
