Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
