holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My vagina is officially offended.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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