she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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