i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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