Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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