Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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