Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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