I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
