Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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