I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
