We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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