I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
