Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
