She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize